3 Tips to Stop People Pleasing
I see you. You are helpful and kind. You work hard. You never want to be selfish.
If you’re honest with yourself…. you’re a people pleaser– and deep down, you know it’s hurting you.
Do you…
Feel uncomfortable if someone is angry or upset with you?
Have a hard time saying “no” to things you don’t have time for?
Need praise to feel good?
Have a schedule full of things other people have told you to do that you don’t actually want to do?
Go to great lengths to avoid conflict?
I’ve been there. For YEARS, I was a people pleaser, too. I only felt confident or worthy if I had external validation from my boss, my boyfriend, my parents, my colleagues, or my friends. I needed approval from others to feel happy.
It was bad. My people pleasing undermined my ability to make clear decisions for ME because I was focusing on what would please others. I felt like I was spread too thin, doing too much for other people who needed my assistance, and accepting social invitations I didn’t even want to because I felt like I couldn’t say no.
The demands and desires of other people were consuming me. I was worn out. 😫
Some tough situations at work made me realize how bad my people pleasing was. I had to learn to draw boundaries and stop putting my need for approval above my own joy (and sanity). I now identify as a recovering people pleaser, but I still have to check myself sometimes.
Here are the 3 things that helped me overcome the disease to please, and the tips that have helped my coaching clients find the most success, too:
Identify your priorities. You have to think about what YOUR priorities are, not what would make other people think you’re wonderful. You have to decide, in your heart of hearts, what you want to achieve in life— in your career, your relationships, your family, and your purpose in life. You have to prioritize this and push back against the disease to please. If something isn’t in alignment with your top priorities, practice letting it go.
Focus on self-approval and internal validation. Build up your confidence, girl! If you feel good about yourself, you’ll have less of a desire to seek approval from others. Do things that bring you joy, even the things you haven’t done in years. Play a sport you haven’t played in a while, take a creative writing class, go for a walk out in nature, hang out with people who make you feel awesome without having to do anything for them. Do things that make you feel like a badass. Are YOU happy with yourself? Do YOU love who you are being and what you are doing? When you start answering, “yes” to these questions, you have self-approval and are less likely to people please.
Saying no means saying yes to something else. It’s easier to say no to other people’s requests when you know what you’re saying yes to in your life. For example, last year I was making TONS of plans with friends. I was newly vaccinated, things were opening up in California, and I was itching to get out of the house and be social. I loved it! But, I started to overbook myself and noticed that I was exhausted. I hadn’t read a book in a month, physical exercise was put on the back burner, and my energy was low. I realized that, in order to get back my energy and refocus on things I enjoyed doing, I needed to say “no” to some social plans. And you know what? Saying “no” became a lot easier because I was actually saying “yes” to something else— to a good night of sleep, to reading the newest Colleen Hoover novel, to going for a jog at sunset. Ask yourself, “When I say no, what am I actually saying yes to?”
You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. 🍵 And honestly, why would you want to be?
🥂 Instead, be someone’s flute of champagne when they’re celebrating. Someone’s jolt of caffeine from their morning coffee. Someone’s ice cold lemonade on a hot summer day. Someone’s mug of hot cocoa in December. Someone’s tequila shot when things go awry. Don’t water yourself down for other people.
