The Success and Likability Paradox
The more successful a woman is, the less likable she is.
Yup, you read that correctly. Research shows that when women are more successful, they are less likable. And for men, it’s the opposite: the more successful a man is, the more likable he is.
Columbia Business School conducted a study that split students into 2 groups. Both groups were presented with a case study of a successful venture capitalist. One group was told that this person’s name was “Heidi” and the other group was told the name was “Howard.” Then, they asked the students their opinions on Heidi or Howard.
The students concluded that both Heidi and Howard were “competent,” but they liked Howard more.
Why is this?
Our society often views personal and professional success as a male attribute. If a man is a high-achiever or is very successful, that is viewed as normal. However, when a woman is highly successful, she is seen as bossy, aggressive, or difficult to work with. It all goes back to gender stereotypes. The assertive, authoritative, or influential behaviors that people link with “leadership” tend not to be viewed as attractive in women, making them unfeminine or unlikable.
In the context of the Howard/Heidi study, it’s really no surprise that women sometimes avoid leadership and success (relative to men) as a self-defense strategy to keep them more likable.
As young girls, we’re rewarded and praised for being agreeable, obedient, and likable. Part of female programming is to please others and be liked for it. So once we reach adulthood and work in the corporate world, it’s difficult to reprogram these beliefs. Women sometimes worry that great success comes with people not liking you… that it doesn’t make you attractive or popular. This puts women in a tough position.
You may feel pressure to mute your accomplishments in order to be liked by your colleagues, OR you have to sacrifice being “liked” in order to work your way up.
Can you be successful AND be liked?
That’s why you’re reading this, right? You want to be successful and liked?
While breaking gender stereotypes in the workplace is a daunting task, I believe there are actions we can each take as women to start challenging those stereotypes and making real changes– changes that will help you succeed at your career without sacrificing your likability.
Combine Niceness with Insistence
You don’t need to be an Ice Queen to be taken seriously in the workplace. You can (and should) be kind. This means smiling, appropriately expressing appreciation or concern, finding common interests with colleagues, and having a solution-focused attitude.
At the same time, this doesn’t mean being fake or being a doormat. Your niceness should come from a place of wanting to work with your team towards a common goal. You’re more likely to achieve big goals when you have strong relationships, trust, and camaraderie among your team. Establish these connections and build trust by displaying kindness.
When a boss, teammate, family member, or friend offers you a compliment, simply say, “Thank you.” Don’t add, “I had a great team by my side,” or, “I can’t believe how fortunate I am,” or, “You really think so?” Simply say, “Thank you.” This subtle acceptance of praise goes a long way. It signals that you have accepted your accomplishment as your own.
Now, think about your latest project or cluster of tasks around a certain area of your work. Narrow down what you accomplished to summarize it in one sentence. Make sure it’s an “I” statement. Say it aloud to yourself right now. Write it down. Within the next week, say it out loud to at least three people in your workplace, one of them being a manager or superior. Of course, use proper judgment for verbalizing it in the right context and in the right setting. (An easy segue would be when a colleague asks, “Whatcha working on?”) The important part is that you articulate your accomplishment to others. Make your victory known by speaking it out loud.
Change Starts With You
If you’ve been playing it safe, staying in your lane, and not speaking up for fear of not being liked or approved of, I want to empower you: change starts with you. Staying quiet and fitting in may have been all the first generations of women who entered corporate America could do. And for some, it might still feel like the safest path. But playing it safe and staying quiet is not paying off for women as a whole. Instead, we need to assert ourselves, claim our victories, and begin changing stereotypes, one woman at a time.
THAT is how you will be both successful and likable.
THAT is how we shatter the glass ceiling.
